Category Archives: Parenting

Ummm, I Have Teenagers? Like, WHOA!

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 Rivers flow backwards 

My BabiesDolly Parton’s, “The Grass is Blue” came on the other day as I drove home from a friend’s place. Suddenly images of soft and rosy toddler cheeks with chubby little fingers grasping for my hand, wispy baby hair that can’t really hold that barrette (but I somehow found a strand to attach it to) and whisking my children in their toddler and baby-ness up into my arms while dancing around the house singing this song and others into their ears flooded my mind.

 I just can’t make it one day without you
Unless I pretend that the opposite’s true

KIDSIt was that moment in my car that all my “they’re getting so big” under-the-rug-sweeping realities hit me; they’re mini-adults, teenagers, fairly independent, occasional eye-rollers who will be in high school/college soon and they are SO BIG.

When did this happen? How did this happen? Most importantly, WHY does this sudden wave of tears welling up in my throat, a really ugly cry face and mini-sob shock me when I’ve had nearly 17 and 14 years to know this was happening?

How much can a heart and a troubled mind take
Where is that fine line before it all breaks

As parents, we ask ourselves often if we could have handled a parenting situation better than we did and on occasion the answer is yMy Baby Boyes. But as I sit here reflecting on my parenting “career”, thus far, I’m not asking myself if I am a good mother. The question is, have I done a good job of being present and in the moment? Then and now.

Sadly, my answer is not a resounding yes. There were moments that I was and am… But not always, and typing out my list of excuses of why I haven’t been isn’t going to fix it.

Can one end their sorrow
Just cross over it
And into that realm of insanitive bliss

As I pulled the car over and had my “this is for real-real and not for play-play” moment, I knew that I had to accept that they are growing up and that I must be in the moment with them as:

  • They begin to like boys and girls and I’m not speaking in the “friendship way” and will need guidance in the many nuances relationships like this will introduce. (BREATHE, Tammi… <– that’s me)
  • They think they know EVERYTHING and I have to actually listen to this new found worldly knowledge and politely remind them, on occasion all while figuring out which all-mighty-knowledge battle to fight, that they do NOT in fact know everything.
  • They begin toTHINK they hate me… Ugh, this is one of the most terrible parts to be present within, but they can think anything they like. They best not tell me this – EVER.
  •  They have to be reminded that they are still kids/minors who need to be validated in that it’s okay to be sad, to cry,and to be told NO. Everyone needs boundaries and oh, by the way, that cell phone is a fringe benefit and I own it. So, there!
  • They have their hearts broken, by friends, significant others, unrealized dreams and other unknowns…

And this is just the tip of the iceberg of things that I may or may not be able to control, but will be present and constantly in the background for… Accepting all of this and knowing that I can’t protect them like I used to really sucks, guys.

I’ve had to think up a way to survive

So if you’re a fellow parent, sit with your baby, toddler, tween, teen, four-legged, twenty-/thirty-/forty-something child and be in whatever that moment looks like. To do so is not only a gift to ourselves, but also serves as a great example for the parent our children could one day be…

I know I’m going to embrace every moment – even if it’s a rough one – moving forward because driving and balling my eyes out due to lost moments is not only unfortunate, it’s really dangerous.

 

Make It Stop

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Sexual Molestation.  Yes, it’s ugly. Yes, I know we don’t want to talk about it. But we need to. Did you know, of those who reported sexual assault to law enforcement agencies, that, “67% were under age 18, 34% were under age 16, 34% were under age 12, and 14% were under age 6?”  I am part of that 34%.

 I was 8.

Most children are molested by someone they know. A recent demographic study showed that:

My Uncle was my perpetrator.

“Behavioral changes are often the first signs of sexual abuse.”  I started sucking my finger at age 8. This may not seem like a huge behavioral change, however; most children begin this habit before age 5. It comforted me.

Many victims don’t come forward because they’re ashamed and scared. My Uncle was revered by my family. Rarely was there a family conversation about respectability that didn’t involve him as a shining example. He  lived right next door to my Grandparents, his brother. I would often think about who would believe me if I said anything. I also felt dirty…

Vividly I recall my father telling my mother that he didn’t trust a janitor at the local elementary school. He looked at me and said, “baby if anyone ever touches you inappropriately, you tell me. Okay?” At a mere 9 years of age I said to myself, “it’s too late.”

But it’s not too late for us to educate ourselves and protect our children from sexual assault. I grew up in an environment where we didn’t talk about our bodies, sexuality and sex. When I had my first period, I was ashamed and embarrassed to tell my mother.

Eventually in my freshman year in college, I told a relative who was going down the wrong path that I had been molested. Her “woe-is-me” outlook and blaming “life” for her wrongdoings was going to be her demise. So, I shared my story as an example of bad things that could bring someone down, but I hadn’t allowed it to do so. The relative shared this information with my mother. Years later when I told my mother – the one I wanted to protect because I feared she would blame herself – she told me that she knew and brushed it off as though we were talking about the weather.

We Can Stop This Cycle

T_ScottLynch_BABYAs parents, we can create an environment that allows our children to feel safe to share. I never wanted my children to experience what I did. Age appropriate conversations about their bodies, inappropriate touching by others and creating a safe haven where they could share anything was of utmost importance to me.They’re now 19 and 16 and now know that I was sexually molested and I’m not ashamed.  

While we cannot fully protect our children from tragedy and harm, we can reassure them that we are their childhood innocence advocates. Empower yourself to tell them that if someone touches them, it’s not their fault and that you will protect them. Because no child should ever have to secretly think to themselves that “it’s too late.”